"Interesting. There are lots of gnomes at garden centers. Lots. So ... Lowes is Faerie's Australia..." I mused. "Remind me later to thank you all for dumping your criminals in my world. How long do they usually get sent here for?"

Sighing, Annie said, "Alas, lots of gnomes are sent here. They're naughty little creatures, those gnomes. How long they stay here depends on what they did to get sent here to begin with."

"Hmm ... I wonder what Digby did. Is his time up? Is that why he's gone - he's back in Faerie? Or ..." I was really cooking now. "Maybe he's working with the dowsing gnome! But ... whose side are they on?"

"Well," pondered the Phouka. "That is a very good question. Gnomes usually keep to themselves. Just like their bigger cousins, the dwarves."

"Dwarves? Like the ones who made the necklace? Do you think Digby's working for them? And the dowsing one too?"

"Well, that's a very good possibility. Like I said, they're kin to the dwarves but the gnomes are a bit different from most of the rest of us." He continued, "They aren't always loyal to family or even each other. Maybe they will be loyal today but tomorrow is a completely new story. It's just their way. We've come to accept it and don't really rely on them for many important things. Still, helping us get the queen's necklace back could get them a reduced sentence. They look to save their own hides, so there's a good chance they would work for us. I'll check with Estri, see what he knows."

"The sooner, the better," said Mary. The Phouka nodded his head.

"How will you contact him?" I asked.

"I'll pick up the phone and call him, of course," he said sarcastically. "I'll have to go back to Faerie and talk to him. Honestly, do you know anything?" He looked at me and shook his head. I glared back at him and wished he wasn't so darned handsome.

"Apparently not," I said in a snotty tone, but he'd hurt my feelings. I was really starting to dislike Horseboy and his arrogance. "When are you going?"

"Well, now would be a good time, don't you think? Who knows when Jack will make his move or what he's got planned. He's gathering forces for something and it would be in our best interest to find out what it is and stop him, if we can," said the Phouka.

"Can I come to Faerie with you?" I said hopefully. "I've never been but I have a passport."

He sighed. "No. I can move faster if I'm alone and, frankly, after seeing what the fir darrigs' music did to you, I don't think you should ever go to Faerie! I'll see you all when I return. Hopefully, it won't be too long." And with that, he went into the hall closet and closed the door.

"Well," said Mary standing and gathering up the soup bowls. "We have no way of knowing when the Phouka will be back, so we might as well do something constructive. Annie, did you bring your knitting?"

"Of course," she exclaimed, producing a half-knitted sock, a pair of needles, and a fluffy ball of pumpkin-colored yarn from her apron pocket. "I never leave home without it!"

"Good, good," said Mary. "Let's go sit in front of the fire in my room, shall we? It's warmer and cozier in there. We can put our feet up, do some knitting, and catch up on things." To me she said, "You're looking peaked, child. Why don't you go off to bed?"

"I'm right behind you, Mary!" she said. And they both scuttled off, glancing at me over their shoulders. They looked worried that I would try to follow them. I'm not all that tall, but the ceiling in Mary's room is so low that I can't stand up straight so I just don't bother going in. She doesn't seem to mind all that much anyhow.

I stood at the closet door for a moment and listened as Annie cooed over Puffy the Stole and then I decided to read until I fell asleep. It was getting pretty late and we'd had an eventful day, to say the least. I nodded off to the steady hum of their chatter, punctuated occasionally by stifled bursts of laughter. It was nice to have people in my house again, especially those two sweet little ladies. That night, I slept long and deeply, with no disturbing dreams.

I awoke slowly the next morning to the smell of fresh coffee and more of Mary's baking. I stretched and was enjoying being lazy when I remembered with a start that it was Monday. I was late for my job! But how could I go to work with everything that was going on? I didn't want to leave Mary and Annie by themselves and I didn't want to be out and about by myself. Besides, I wanted to be here when the Phouka got back. I told myself it was because he could have important news but I also just wanted to see him.

That settled it; I called off work. I told my boss I had some family problems I needed to deal with and took the week off. She seemed to think I wanted the time off to pine over Jack. That annoyed me a bit but I had bigger things to worry about. Would we be able to find Jack and get the necklace back in one week? I sincerely hoped so.

 

I stopped the car across the street from Jack's house - a sleekly modern looking ranch, with large windows and a nearly flat roof. It was hideous. Every light was turned on and music emanated from the open front door. It appeared that Jack was hosting a party.

The music was strange, though, ethereal and vaguely Celtic-sounding. It reminded me of something ... something just on the edge of memory. Everything around me was dimming and slowing down, seeming less real than the music. The music was telling me something if I could just hear it. It was something important. I heard voices speaking near to me but all I wanted was the music. Someone touched my arm and I pulled away.

More roughly this time, hands shook me. "Don't listen to it! Don't listen to the music!" The spell was broken. I shook my head to clear the fog.

"What happened? What's wrong with that music?" I asked.

"It's fey music, child," Mary explained. "There's strong magic in music, especially ours, and not all of it good. It almost got you, dear! But that music confirms one thing: there is at least one fir darrig in that house. Nothing plays the fiddle like a fir darrig."

Before anyone could stop him, the Phouka said, "I'm getting a closer look" and bounded out of the car. He seemed to stumble in front of the car and didn't get up. Instead, a huge black dog with a white spot on its forehead ran toward Jack's house. Rather than go to the front door, however, the dog ran up to a window and peeked in. He did that with every window until he'd gone completely around the house. When he returned to the car, he reappeared in man form and got into the car.

"Let's get out of here!" He yelled, "Now!"

As we sped off, the Phouka turned to the women huddled in the back seat. "It's worse than we thought, Mary. Jack's got a small army of fir darrigs. They were in every room of his house and getting very ... erm ... exuberant. There's gotta be about fifty of them." He cut his eyes to me and then looked away.

"Um ... Phouka," I stammered. "You're a dog, too?"

"Yes," he said impatiently. "I'm a dog. I'm a horse. Do you have anything productive to add?"

I shot him a dirty look in response.

"But what were they doing, Phouka?" asked Annie timidly.

"What fir darrigs and their lot do best and I'm not talking about their musical abilities," he said harshly. Then more kindly, "You really don't want know, Annie. Trust me."

It was late when we arrived back at my house. I put the lamps on while Mary rustled up some dinner for us. I don't know how she did it, but she always managed to prepare exactly what I was hungry for. Tonight it was comforting tomato soup and warm toasted cheese sandwiches. As we settled over our bowls, the Phouka told us what he'd seen.

"Like I said, there were a number of fir darrigs in every room. From the condition of the kitchen, I'd say they've been drinking fairly heavily all day. There were empty liquor bottles covering the countertops and I saw broken glass on the floors. Several of them were in one of the bedrooms and it looked like they were dissecting a cat." He paused and shook his head. "I'm guessing there will be an increase in reports of missing pets until we get rid of them. That's not the worst part, though. There's a tree in the back yard. An oak tree. It's got a big crack down the middle."

Mary and Annie gasped in unison.

"What does that mean?" I asked. I was getting pretty tired of being the last to know what was going on.

"It means that Jack has his own private portal. It means that he can bring anything or anyone he wants over. It means that he can bring as many fir darrigs - or worse - that he wants. And it will all go un-noticed because he's doing it in his own back yard."

"What can we do about it? I mean, we have to stop them, right?" I asked, looking around at the other three. At that moment, I heard a tapping at the front window and noticed a small face peering in. I was just pointing it out, when there was a clatter on the porch and the face disappeared. Without thinking, I ran to the door and yanked it open. The porch was bare, save for a small Y-shaped stick.

The Phouka peeked over my shoulder and scoffed, "Gnomes. I might have known."

"Gnomes?" I asked, incredulous. "You mean like those garden statue thingies?"

"Not like them. Them," he said. "Look across the street. Your neighbor's dowsing gnome is gone. He was peeking in your window and dropped his stick when he ran off. The question is: what made him run off?"

I was getting confused again. "Are you telling me that garden gnomes are real gnomes?"

Mary and Annie nodded yes.

"How do they hold so still?" I was full of questions. "Why are they here? And ... what is my lawn gnome doing right now?" I ran to the yard and, as I suspected, Digby my digging gnome was gone.

"Well," explained Mary. "Standing still is part of their punishment. Oh, how they hate it! You see, dear, lawn gnomes are actually real gnomes. We send them here as punishment for breaking laws in Faerie. We've got portals in most garden centers. They're so mischievous and often get on the other side of the law, so it's easier to drop them in one or two places and let people disperse them. When their sentence is finished, they return to the nearest Lowes and pop on home!"

 

Mary stood looking at the empty box for a few moments. Annie looked stricken. The Phouka, his whimpering subsided, looked angry. "The bastard took it!" I shrieked. "He stole the necklace! That tears it; I'm calling the cops."

"You can't," said the Phouka.

"Why not?" I asked.

"What will you tell them? That your boyfriend stole a necklace that belongs to the queen of the fairies? No, we'll take care of this ourselves."

"How?" Annie asked timidly.

"We'll break into his house and take it back. We'll take him too, if we can, but we have to get the necklace. The queen is counting on us," the Phouka said grimly. He looked intently at me and continued, "We can use your help. It will be dangerous, so if you don't want to do it, we'll understand. Anything you can tell us about where he goes, his habits, and his schedule will help. If you can tell us the layout of his house, too, it would be of use."

I only had to think about it for a minute. "Count me in," I said. "That jerk and his creepy friend violated me - they broke into my house. I want to get back at them. One thing I don't understand, though: why did he steal the necklace? What's so great about it? Surely the queen has better jewelry than that!"

Annie and the Phouka looked at Mary, who thought for a moment before she said,"Jack is a spriggans. It's not just his last name; it's what he is. Sprigganses are some of the most ruthless and dangerous of our kind. They delight in thieving; it doesn't matter what it is or who it belongs to - if they want it, they take it. But you are correct: the queen has more and better jewels than this necklace but it is an important piece nonetheless because it has its own magic."

"Magic? What does it do?" I asked.

"The wearer becomes immune to harm," piped in Annie, before the others could stop her.

"Let us not speak of that right now, Annie," Mary said. And then to me, "But I'm sure you can appreciate how bad it is that a spriggans now has it. We need that necklace back, child. The queen needs it and the court needs it."

We sat silently, each of us ruminating privately. Finally, the Phouka spoke again, "I'm also concerned about this Dean character. If he truly is a fir darrig, we might have more on our hands than we bargained for. They usually travel in packs and can be quite dangerous in their own right. Plus, with their shape-shifting abilities, they are often hard to detect."

"Well, there's only one way to find out," I said. "I say we wait ‘til Jack leaves and then we let ourselves into his house. Why don't we take a drive over to Jack's and see who's home?"

"Yeah!" Annie said, warming to the task. "Let's case the joint!"

"Let me guess, you watch 'Dragnet' too?" I asked.

"No, 'Perry Mason'," was the response.

As we loaded ourselves into my car, a pair of eyes watched from across the street. Once we were out of sight, the lawn gnome that was standing in a flowerbed dropped the dowsing stick he'd been holding and scampered off into the gathering darkness.

"I think someone needs to start from the beginning and tell me the whole story. I feel like I've been dropped into the middle of a really bad fairytale," I said as we drove down the freeway. I glanced over at the Phouka, who was riding shotgun. "Why don't you tell me what's going on, Horse-boy."

He shot me a wounded look that made me sorry I'd called him names, but I was getting scared and nothing conquers fear better than sarcasm. He took a deep breath and started talking. "It started about a year ago. We were planning a grand ball for the queen's birthday. In spite of being a spriggans, Jack was a favorite of the queen. He can be quite charming when he wants to be - I'm sure you know that - but, the fact is, it's all an act. He's at his most charming when he wants something. Who knows how long he'd been planning his thievery but he planned it well. The night of the party, he waited until everyone was at the ball and then, as best we can figure, he sneaked into the queen's private chambers and stole the necklace, box and all.

"As heavily guarded as the queen's chambers are, though, he had to have had help. We believe that is where the fir darrigs come in. Several royal guard uniforms were found near a portal ..."

"Portal?" I cut in.

"Yes, we use portals to get from our world to yours. Think of them as fancy doorways," explained the Phouka, as if speaking to a child.

"There's one in your hall closet now!" Mary chimed in proudly. "I put it there!"

"So he stole the necklace a year ago and you're just now getting around to getting it back?" I asked.

"Well," said Mary. "We've pretty much known all along that Jack left it with you for safekeeping. I think he was counting on us not to make direct contact with you. We usually try not to mix with folk in the mundane world. It sometimes confuses them, the poor dears."

"But what took you so long?" I persisted.

"We knew where Jack was and we knew he had the necklace. As long as we could keep track of him, we weren't worried. But when he left your house for good, we knew we had to move. He's been busy the past few months he's been in Mundania and he's amassed a great amount of wealth. But now that he's moved out on his own, he no longer needs you and we feared for your safety," said the Phouka.

Things were beginning to make more sense to me now. "So seeing you at the store yesterday morning wasn't a chance encounter, was it?" I asked Mary.

She shook her head. "No, child, that was part of the plan. I wanted to approach you directly but we didn't know if you were with Jack or not. Then when you were so kind to me - which I will never forget - I knew you couldn't be part of his scheming. I hope I didn't frighten you too much when I popped into your house, dear, but we needed a command post and I thought your house would be ideal. Plus, I wanted to keep an eye on you."

"He stole the necklace and came here to ...Mundania, you called it? ... to hide out. Well, he can't stay here forever, can he? What's his master plan? I mean, there's got to be more to it than just liking a necklace and taking it. You said it has certain powers, right? It keeps the wearer safe from harm ... so he can't be hurt." I continued my train of thought. "What does that mean for the queen then? If she's without her necklace, she's also without its protection, right?"

Their three sober faces told me all I needed to know. I pulled the car over, so I could look at Mary and Annie in the back seat. "I'll show you where Jack lives right now but I think we need to go back home and come up with a plan. I don't think we'll be able to just waltz into his house and grab the necklace off the kitchen table. If he's as sneaky as you say, and I have no problem believing he is, he'll have hidden it someplace better than his underwear drawer."

It only took a moment to find the box. I had stuffed it in the back of my underwear drawer. I don't know how Jack and Dean could have missed it. That's the first place I'd look, if I was a thief. I grabbed it and took it downstairs. "It's hard to open. The lid sticks or something. Jack always opened it for me before. Maybe you'll have better luck."

The box was about six by four by four inches, with ornate carvings on the lid and sides. The lid featured a gripping beast, a gryphon perhaps, in an oval that was surrounded by strange figures. The wood was cracked in places and gave off a faint spicy aroma. The hinges appeared to be made of leather, which was in remarkably good condition. There wasn't a latch but the box was closed up tight.

Annie sucked in her breath with a hiss. "The box is very special. It was made hundreds of years ago by the same dwarves who made the necklace. You've heard of the Brisingamen, yes? Freyja's famous necklace of amber? Well, this one is the companion necklace and it belongs to our queen. The dwarves put a special magic on the box and it only opens when you say the right words. Up until Jack stole it, we thought the queen was the only other one who knew the words."

"What are the symbols on the top? Could they be the words?" I asked.

Mary looked at the box and snorted. "No, child, those are the initials of the dwarves who made the necklace, the conceited things. This one, that looks like a small 't' with a crooked cross, is Nordhi's symbol. It's called nauthiz, which represents the innovation that comes from a need. A more inventive fellow you'll never meet, that Nordhi. The next one is Surdi's mark, sowilo. It's the one that looks like a straight line 's', or a lightning bolt. Sowilo is for inner knowing. Surdi, he's a smart one. Vestri's mark is next; the pointy 'p'. His is wunjo, which represents joy, and it suits Vestri. He's such a happy fellow ... for a dwarf, leastwise. Last is Estri and his horse rune, ehwaz - like a capital 'm'. Estri is the ringleader of the four, a born leader and organizer, and a special friend of the Phouka.

"They made the Brisingamen first and I'm sure you know the story of that particular necklace and the dwarves' ... erm ... transaction with Freyja for it. Well, the dwarves thought they might have the same luck a second time. They were wrong, but the queen's necklace proved beneficial for them anyhow.

"You see, the land of the dwarves is located in the mountains that divide the two fairy realms - Seelie from Unseelie. The Unseelie have been massing an army for the past couple of years. They've historically been the weaker court but they've been gaining strength lately and they need all the metal they can get their hands on. They've been ransacking the mountains for ore and stealing the dwarves' livelihood in the process. The dwarves gave the necklace to the queen of the Seelie - our queen - in exchange for her protection. Our Phouka here was instrumental in the negotiations." Mary beamed at the Phouka. "The queen would have her necklace back and also the miscreant who dared steal it. We're here to do just that."

I looked at them and laughed in disbelief. The queen of the fairies sent a tiny spoon-wielding bag lady, a toad, and a man-horse to look for a thief and and his dangerous friend? "You've got to be kidding," I said. "How are you going to do that? You've got the box but you don't know the words to open it. Do you?"

The other three looked at each other. "Phouka, would you try opening it?" asked Mary.

The Phouka took the box from me and rubbed his hands down his pants, as if he was nervous. He cracked his knuckles, muttered something under his breath, and pulled on the lid. Suddenly, his body went rigid and the box went flying from his hands, cracking against the far wall. The Phouka fell to the floor, howling and writhing in pain. Mary tapped him a couple of times with her spoon and he went limp, laying on his side and panting.

"What just happened?" I asked.

"Phouka got a shock because he tried to open the box without using the right words. It's a good thing you never tried to open it, child; I'm not sure you would have survived," Mary replied. She gave the Phouka one last tap with her spoon and bent to retrieve the box.

It had popped open, revealing a brown velvet interior that was flattened in places from the weight of the necklace. It was also empty.

 

It took me longer to re-fold clothes and put my dresser back together than it did to take inventory. In truth, I don't have much of value: a pair of earrings that were once watch fobs of my great-grandparents, which I inherited from my grandmother, and my father's wedding band. That's about it as far as jewelry goes. I have lots of family silver in other parts of the house but Jack and Dean seemed mainly focused on my bedroom, if the condition of my dresser and closet were any indication. I still had no idea what they were after.

As I descended the stairs, I could hear Mary's voice coming from the hall closet. She wasn't alone. I could hear whispered voices, which trailed off when I neared the door. The last thing I heard sounded like, "But does she know ..."

I was about to butt in and ask Mary what they were talking about when I heard noises coming from the bathroom. It was a clopping sound, like hooves. In the bathroom? Without knocking, I barged in just in time to see the hind end of a horse disappear behind the shower curtain. The water was turned on and the horse emitted a deep sigh as steam began to fill the room. "Mary!" I ran into the hallway. "Mary! There's a horse in the shower."

"Yes, dear," Mary said calmly.

I pointed a shaking finger toward the bathroom. "No, you don't understand. There's a horse. In the bathroom. Taking a shower."

"Yes, that'd be the Phouka. My, but he loves his showers. Now come into the living room, if you please. We've got company!" said Mary.

Annie was just as short as Mary but squattier. She had a wide face with large eyes and a mouth that nearly reached ear to ear. She looked exactly like a toad in a wig. I remembered what Mary said earlier about Annie being green and caught myself before I laughed out loud. "I'd like you to meet my dearest friend, Anura Bufonid - Annie for short. She and the Phouka are going to help us with our little problem. Now tell us about Jack Spriggans. Start from the beginning and don't leave anything out."

So I sat down and began telling the two little women all about my recent love life. Mary fetched a tea tray and began dispensing cups of hot tea and plates of fragrant, crumbly little cakes.

"I met Jack about a year ago. Some friends thought it would be fun to go to a local gothic nightclub called Club Dead. They have special events scheduled around the phases of the moon. The most popular are the Dark Moon parties. They can get pretty wild. The night we went, a woman went a little bit crazy and ran off. No one's really sure what happened to her but I heard she was found stumbling around in the park the next morning.

"Anyhow, that's where I met Jack. He and Dean were there shooting pool and they invited me and my friends to play with them. At first, Jack seemed interested in another girl but, when her boyfriend showed up, he turned his attention on me. I have to say, Jack's really not my type. I don't usually go for guys who spend more time at the mirror than I do but, he was so charming that night, I gave him my phone number and asked him to call me. We had sort of a whirlwind romance and he ended up moving in with me a month or so after we met.

"At first all Jack had were a few pieces of clothing. He said he'd just moved here from out of state and was making a fresh start. He eventually got a car and, after that, he wasn't around much, except to drop off his new clothes or the latest toy he'd purchased. He spent quite a bit of time at work ... although I'm not exactly sure what he does for a living. He said acquisitions or procurement, something like that. When he was here for any length of time, his friend Dean was usually with him. At the end, he was more of a room mate than a boyfriend."

Mary leaned toward Annie and whispered, "Dean is the fir darrig I told you about."

"Did he ever give you anything? Any sort of gift?" Annie asked, blinking her bulbous eyes. Her tongue flicked out to lick a crumb off the back of her hand.

"Jack?" I snorted. "No. Jack was more into receiving gifts than giving them. You two seem to know more about Jack and Dean than you should. Why is that?"

At that moment, the bathroom door opened. Steam billowed out, along with the smell of wet dog. I wrinkled my nose and then dropped my jaw as the handsomest, nakedest man I'd even seen walked out. He was tall and well muscled, with the nicest schlaben sie nobben I'd ever laid eyes on - and I'm a connoisseur. His eyes were so dark they looked black. His hair was jet black with a white streak just at the middle. On another man it might have looked silly; on him, the imperfection was perfection. I noticed he hadn't toweled off.

"Wow ... um ..." I stammered. "I was expecting a horse, not a ... man."

I managed to maintain eye contact during the introductions but then I just had to dress him. I couldn't stay focused on the conversation - the effort it took to not stare at his beautiful nakedness was overwhelming - and Mary kept asking if I was unwell. Jack had left some clothes behind and, while the pants were too short for the Phouka, at least they were pants. My focus returned and Mary gave the Phouka a condensed version of what had happened. She downplayed the fact that Jack had been my boyfriend.

"Did he ever give you anything?" asked the Phouka.

"No, Mary already asked me ... wait a minute!" I said. "He did give me something. He said it was a family heirloom, that it belonged to his dear departed mother ... It's hideous, though. I can't think he'd want it back. I don't even think it's worth all that much."

The others exchanged glances.

"I've never worn it in public. It's not really my style. I'm not even sure where I put it. It's just this old necklace made of big chunks of what looks like amber. Honestly, the box it came in is more interesting."

The Phouka asked softly, "Can you fetch it for us, please?"